What have I done?
by sleepwalkingxjade
Summary: Susan stays in Narnia and the result is tragedy. Can Caspian learn to live without her? Susan/Caspian Chapter 8 up!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia or anything in Narnia except maybe Rachelle. )**

**Please R&R!!**

He could still hear her voice, still feel her pain in that final breath.

_"Don't worry about me...it's...alright. Just look after..."_

Then she spoke no more and his world ended.

Caspian stood at his window, not seeing the rain falling outside, not feeling the draft that blew in, fluttering the curtains. Not hearing the servant knock at the door and enter when he did not respond.

"My leige?"

It was Rachelle. Rachelle, who had wiped the sweat from his beloved's forehead as she gasped in pain. Rachelle, who had faithfully served his queen for all these years.

Suddenly he turned to face the girl.

"My lord, I -"

"Go," he said harshly. "Go, and don't come back!"

Her pretty face paled and she dropped a trembling curtsy. "Y-yes, Your Majesty."

_He had laughed in delight when she told him that she would stay, stay here with him forever and be his queen. _

_"But what of the others?" He had asked, growing more serious after twirling her around in the air in his joy. "Will they stay as well? Narnia will not be the same without them."_

_Sadly, she had shook her head and raised her beautiful blue eyes to meet his. "No," she had said softly. "They will not stay."_

_"Then why will you not go with them? I mean...I want you to stay. But can they live without you?" His eyes had searched hers desperately._

_Then she had looked down, stepped away from his embrace. "We've talked it over," she told him absently. "I'm not sure that Lucy and Ed understand, but they will...someday." _

Unable to remain contained in stone walls, he strode briskly out onto his balcony - _their _balcony. Susan's and his.

Not caring about the rain that poured over his face, soaking his clothes and puddling around his feet, he simply stood and gazed up into the cloudy sky.

His hands clenched and unclenched as if they had a mind of their own and he gritted his teeth as the memories overwhelmed him and the tears mixed with the rain in a steady downpour.

"_Why_?"

He whispered it, shouted it, screamed it.

_Why?_

It was a question for which there was no answer.

_The day she had told him she was pregnant was the happiest day of his life, besides their wedding day. _

_"You shall have an heir," she had said, her eyes glowing. "Well, if it's a boy."_

_Gently, he had picked her up in his arms, holding her. "Much more than that," he had whispered to her, as if this news was so precious that letting the world know would cause it to be false, just a horrible joke. "We will have a child." Then he had to shout it. "We will have a child!"_

_And she had laughed at him, then with him as he began to laugh as well. _

_He had thought they should throw a feast over such an announcement, but she had dissuaded him, assuring him that they could have many more feasts when the baby was born. _

_"It shall be as you say," he had agreed, sure that everything in the world was now perfect. _

_And it was._

His memory served him well.

It had been a day much like this and he had been out on a hunt when a courier - a centaur - had galloped up, panting heavily.

_"Sire," the noble beast had said, once he caught his breath. "Sire, the queen. The child is coming now, Sire." _

_All he could remember thinking as he urged his horse home was that he was a father, that finally after all these months of waiting, he, Caspian the Tenth, was a father. He rushed into Susan's chambers with a smile on his lips and joy in his heart._

_Until._

_Until he saw the blood soaked sheets, the maids hurrying in and out frantically, wringing their hands as they brought various pitchers of this or packages of that. Until he saw her too-still form, her chest heaving with each breath, the sweat glistening on her forehead. _

_"Your Majesty, you have a healthy daughter," one of the maids tried to tell him, but he heard nothing._

_He fell on his knees beside her bed, one hand instinctively stroking her silky black hair, the other finding her hands and clasping them as if holding her would make her well again. _

_"Caspian," she said in a weak, breathless voice that made his stomach turn inside out. _

_He turned to the nearest maid, not letting go of Susan's hand. "Please, help her!" he had pleaded, begged. _

_The maid's eyes darted about nervously. "There is nothing to be done, Sire," she had said, "The labor was too much." _

_No._

_Caspian turned back to his queen and buried his face in her hair as if that alone would make this awful truth disappear. _

_"Susan," he breathed, "My dear, sweet Susan..."_

_Then she had shifted, moving as if to get up. He looked at her, wondered if she could possibly be well. Instead, she simply raised one hand to stroke his face gently, her eyes pouring immortal love. _

_"Don't worry about me," she whispered then, fading. "It's alright. Just look after..."_

_Her body shuddered as if with sudden cold. A strange light came to her eyes._

_"Love you..." she breathed._

_Then she was gone._

There on the balcony in the rain, he collapsed to his knees, grief finally overtaking him. His sobs shook his entire body, each cry feeling like his heart had been wrenched out and torn to pieces.

He couldn't go on now - not without her at his side to chastise him when he needed chastising, comfort him when he needed comforting, encourage him when he needed encouraging. How could he ever learn to love again when she had captured his heart?

No, it was clear now that they had taken it too far. Susan should never have stayed in Narnia - he knew that no matter how much he would have missed her when she went to her home, he would still know that she was alive and well. Anything would have been better than this.

_Anything_.

He could almost hear the great Lion's voice in his head now as he wished for the impossible.

"_What's done is done."_

Finally exhausted from sorrow, he sat back and looked again at the sky.

"What have I done?" he asked himself, quietly. "Whatever have I done?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Dislciamer: I don't own Narnia or Caspian or anything else. Except his daughter. )**

_Thank you thank you thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate them. Apparently I'm meant to keep going with this story. Who knew? Also - you probably all know this or could figure it out, but Susana is the spanish form of Susan, so I thought it fitting that he name his daughter after her but with some Telmarine influence. ) _

_Just a slight word of explanation for this fanfic: when I first saw PC in theaters, at the end where they're back in the Telmarine castle and the fireworks are going off and Caspian's running down the stairs looking flustered, because it seemed so similar to the beginning when Miraz's kid is born, I honestly thought that Caspian now had a kid too. Of course, that story would have turned out happier...but it made me think, what if Susan really did stay in Narnia and marry Caspian? Would it all end up happily?_

Sometimes at night by the fire, while rocking his daughter to sleep in his arms, he would look into the flames and could swear that he had seen the Lion's great roar, that even the King of Narnia would grieve for one so lost. Other times the growls would be menacing, a sort of 'I-told-you-so'.

If only you had listened to me, if only you had refused to let her stay, then things would have been alright.

He turned away from the hearth sharply, forgetting the baby in his arms and jostling her awake. Soothingly, he whispered to her, shifting his weight from foot to foot to calm her down until her upset cries quieted and those blue eyes that were so much like her mother's focused on his face and slowly closed again.

He had named her Susana, for her mother, and had her cradle placed in his chambers rather than in the nursery. If what he loved most was to be taken from him again, even if not for many years to come, he wanted there to be no moment that he would later wish he could have back, just to be with her.

With a soft rushing sound, the door opened and Rachelle came through, timidly. Seeing Susana in Caspian's arms, she was instantly still and silent.

"I've already told you," Caspian started, knowing his tone was sharp and not caring. "I don't need your help right now." How dare she think that his care of Susana wouldn't be sufficient?

Unless...

Unless she was right. What if he was so blinded by pain that he couldn't see what he was doing?

Cursing himself silently, he moved to give the baby to Rachelle. "Forgive me," he said, "You were only trying to do your job."

The maid took the child but did not go to put her in the cradle. "My liege," she said quietly, "You have a visitor in the main hall."

He gave her a hard look. "A visitor?"

Without waiting for reply or pausing to ensure that he was dressed appropriately for a king receiving a visitor, he strode out of the room and into the great hall.

At first the room appeared empty and he wondered if this were some kind of joke, or possibly even a plot to catch him off guard and kill him.

"You don't look so good, Sire."

The voice came from behind and even as Caspian whipped himself around to face the speaker, he recognized it.

"Reepicheep?"

The noble Mouse bowed elaborately at Caspian's feet before scurrying up onto a table where he could speak more face-to-face.

"Aye, Sire. And how are things with you?"

Suddenly weak from the surprise of seeing one of his old friend again, Caspian sat down on a bench beside the table.

"I'm sure you heard of Queen Susan's death," he said, voice cracking. "Things are not well."

"Aye," Reepicheep sighed. "You have my condolences, my liege. Likewise, things bode ill for Narnia."

_Narnia._ The name caught his attention and focused his mind. "What of it?" he asked. "Invasion? Famine? Flood?"

"My liege..." Obviously the Mouse was wary to speak of whatever it was. "The land is...confused. Calormen threatens to invade, seeing now that...that you are distracted, unable to make decisions. Many Narnians even are doubting your reign. It grieves me to be the bearer of such news, Sire, but it is true."

Dazed, the king stood and slowly paced the long room.

"Invasion?" he muttered. "And I sit here, safe in my castle paralyzed with sorrow. No," he said, then louder. "No. We will not be invaded."

The relief on Reepicheep's furry face was tangible. "Excellent, Sire. Say the word, and come morning we shall have an army assembled that will be more than enough to scare the Calormenes away forever."

For the first time in weeks, something like a smile came to Caspian's face. "Why wait for morning? Reepicheep, summon couriers and give them a message to take throughout Narnia. Have it say this: Narnia shall not crumble."

"Right away, Sire." With a final bow, the Mouse scampered out of the hall.

Once back in his chambers he slept, without the hours of tossing and turning that had grown ritual since that fateful day.

_Where was he?_

_The forest was familiar, looking like any other Narnian forest, though he had never been here before. And it was winter - that was odd. In the waking world it was still summer._

_Breath coming in steamy clouds around his head, he walked through the strange wood until he came to a small round clearing._

_"This is very odd," he said aloud, for it was. _

_In the center of the clearing stood a tall post made of metal and at the top was a cage made of glass, with a small fire burning inside. _

_Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him, crunching in the snow. _

_It was Peter. _

_Caspian blinked. Well, the being certainly looked like High King Peter - but a little younger, a little paler and dressed in such strange clothes. _

_"This is where we first got in," Peter said. "Here at the lamppost. See, we were hiding from the housekeeper in the wardrobe and found ourselves in this clearing."_

_Caspian shook his head. "The ways of your world are a mystery to me."_

_The dream Peter stepped closer, gazing at the fire in the lamppost and laid a hand on the cold iron, leaving icy fingerprints. _

_"It feels odd to think that I'll never come back," he went on. "That all I'll have from now on is this; memories."_

_The High King's words stuck home for Caspian and he knelt down in the snow. _

_There was silence for a moment, but then a furious glare came to Peter's face. _

_"You killed her!" he screamed at Caspian and the Telmarine stood to defend himself._

_"No," he tried to say, but then something began to happen._

_Peter's form started to shrivel up, become something much smaller and eviler with a green head and a beaked face. _

_"Blame it on whoever you want!" the hag that was Peter shrieked, "But I know! It was you, it's always been you! You killed her! Murderer!"_

"No!" With a strangled cry, Caspian bolted awake.

His heart raced, his hands clutched the sweat-soaked sheets, his eyes roamed the room frantically. Knowing he would sleep no more that night, he dressed and sat in front of the hearth, gazing at the smoldering embers until he could breathe again.

_Peter._

"Oh, Aslan," he moaned suddenly. What am I going to tell them? What _can_ I tell them?

Telling a person that someone is dead is a simple matter, but when that someone was their sister, their friend? Their queen?

It was just as well they wouldn't be coming back. Well, at least Peter wouldn't. Lucy and Edmund would eventually, but considering how differently time flowed in the two worlds, they might return thousands of years after he was dead.

Now growing chilled as the sweat dried on his body, Caspian shuddered as he thought of the rage on the dream Peter's face when he realized the truth.

"No," Caspian whispered to himself. "It wasn't me. Oh Aslan, I am so, so sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia, period. **

_I find that listening to the PC soundtrack while writing Narnia fanfic is really quite inspiring. I'm still not entirely sure where the story is going, but I'll probably take it up to sometime in Dawn Treader when Lucy and Edmund show up...but I'm still loving the reviews, keep 'em coming. You guys are great!_

A knock at the door jolted Caspian out of his doze and told him that it was morning.

"Come in," he called half heartedly, blinking sleep from his eyes. When no one entered for several minutes, he summoned whoever it was again.

"Sire," came a small voice from the vicinity of the bottom of the door, "I don't wish to be rude, but it might help if you opened it yourself."

An almost affectionate smile came to the king's face as he realized why the visitor had been unable to enter.

"Reepicheep," he said, looking down at the Mouse, "What news do you bring today?"

"Sire, I do believe that you will have to see for yourself. Allow me?" He gestured down the corridor, indicating that Caspian should follow him.

Caspian nodded. "Yes, please."

As they walked, Caspian became aware of a murmuring roar, as if a great crowd had gathered just outside the palace.

And he was right.

Standing on the high balcony beside Reepicheep, Caspian felt nothing but bittersweet pride welling up in him. He didn't even care that he wore nothing but boots, worn leather breeches and a simple white shirt that was fraying around the collar.

Below him were Narnians - hundreds of Narnians packed into the courtyard and whoever couldn't fit stood just outside the gates. They saw him finally appear above them and a great cheer rose and mingled with the tears that now flowed down their king's face.

Obviously slightly embarrassed, the Mouse coughed for a moment then handed Caspian a small handkerchief.

He took the tiny cloth and distractedly wiped his face, but did not seem concerned with appearance.

"They came," he said to Reepicheep, almost in surprise. "They really came."

"Of course they came, Sire," the Mouse said. "How could they refuse?"

Gathering himself, Caspian spoke to his subjects in a clear, ringing voice that held confidence he did not feel, and had not felt in weeks.

"Fellow Narnians," he began, "I cannot begin to express my gratitude for your quick response to my call. We have experienced very dark times recently, but we must refuse to let them destroy us. I have heard that the Calormenes think us weak and are on the brink of invading. Just as we would not be defeated by my uncle's army so many months ago, we will not be defeated now. Their army may be strong, but ours is stronger. Join with me and our land will be safe once again."

The decision was unanimous.

"For Narnia! And for Aslan!"

"And for you, Sire," Reepicheep said quietly, so that not even Caspian could hear him. "Narnia truly has a king."

Late that night, bone-weary from spending the day on his horse organizing his army, Caspian stood beside his bed, feeling that aching dread that told him he would not sleep, or that if he did it would be interrupted by nightmares. He felt like a little child, afraid of the dark, and was immediately annoyed with himself.

"You can rush into battle without a second thought," he muttered to himself as he began pulling off his armor, "But you can't bear to go to bed for fear of bad dreams. Some great warrior, some king."

Peeking into Susana's cradle to assure himself she still slept, he slid under his own blankets and closed his eyes.

Almost immediately he started fidgeting with that late night restlessness that comes even when you are exhausted. Despite his many attempts to slow his breathing and calm his mind, he could not sleep.

Finally with a growl of impatience, he rose and took up his too-familiar seat in front of the hearth. The dying flames cast eerie shadows over his face as he gazed into them.

At dawn came a roll of thunder, jerking Caspian out of his almost trance-like state. Not a moment later the room was illuminated by a distant flash of lightning and the king groaned. It sounded like it would be a bad storm and his army was set to march out first thing in the morning.

_"Don't be afraid of the storms," _her voice said inside his head.

"But I'm not," he replied, before he realized that it hadn't really been Susan speaking, but rather the memories. His throat tightened as he remembered the day she had first told him that.

_Narnia had not seen the sun in nine days. _

_Those living near the river had evacuated their homes, seeking higher ground. Several had died in the floods, even more had been injured._

_The rain cared not, and continued to pour down on the land. _

_Caspian had spent the last three days away from the castle, helping those whose homes were under water to find safe, warm shelter. On the fourth day of work, Glenstorm had insisted that he go home and take a rest. The king finally relented, knowing he was no good to the others when he was worn down._

_Susan had met him in the stables with a smile but concern lurked in her clear blue eyes. _

_"You can't let this get you down," she said. "You did what you could. Let the others handle it from here."_

_Brushing his horse, he had shaken his head. "But I am the king. I should be able to do better."_

_She pursed her lips ruefully. "It was that kind of attitude that got you and Peter in trouble when we raided your uncle's castle." Then she had drawn nearer and took his hand. "Don't be afraid of the storms, Caspian. They are what makes us stronger. Without them, we cannot learn."_

The light of morning came and Caspian dressed and saddled his horse. Once at the border and in sight of the invader's army however, it was clear that there was to be no contest.

The Calormenes fled at the sight of the enraged Narnians and the king rode home in silence.

Bedding down his horse for the night, Caspian thought once again of that time of floods but managed to hold back his tears. She had been so sure, so right. As usual.

Back in his chambers he fingered the horn - _her _horn. The beautiful ivory-carved instrument he had sounded those few years ago and unknowingly summoned the source of happiness in his life.

_"Keep it,"_ she had told him, when he tried to return it to her. _"In case you need to call me again."_

How he wished he could call her now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, period.**

_A/N: Thanks again for the reviews everyone! =) It's very encouraging to know that someone's actually reading this and not completely hating it. Also sorry for the delay of this chapter, I've been really tired this weekend and couldn't find it in me to write until now. And sorry for how short it is too. x)_

_____________________________________________________________

The next day brought sunshine and cloudless skies and by midmorning the muddy fields had for the most part dried. Confident that Susana was in good hands for the afternoon and that no more problems would present themselves until he returned, Caspian bridled his horse and set off on a peaceful bareback ride through the Narnian countryside.

He guided his horse across meadows and through streams until they reached his destination - the lamppost.

When he started out he hadn't really planned where he was going, but the further he rode the clearer it had become, that this truly was where he had wanted to end up.

The tall iron post was just as he had seen it in his dream, but without the , he secured his horse and approached the lamppost.

It was cold when he touched it, but the iron quickly warmed under his hand. He looked around the clearing carefully, wondering if he could spot the portal that the Pevensies had entered Narnia through for the first time.

Before, the air had been still but now a soft breeze swirled around him, gently shaking the leaves on the trees.

_"Impossible."_

The voice was barely audible, a whisper. A memory?

Then the faint laughter of children floated on the breeze and he heard shrieks of playful delight. He could almost see them - in his minds eye he pictured the clearing covered in snow and all four children frolicking in it. And he smiled.

_"You little liar."_

The voice whispered in his ear and it sounded suspiciously like Peter's.

Caspian actually turned around, wondering if his dream was coming true and the High King had come back to haunt him, angry about his sister's death and hungry for revenge.

But there was no one in the clearing with him but his horse. The breeze died down suddenly, leaving Caspian standing by the post, wondering what exactly he had heard and why.

___________________________________________________________

Throughout the peaceful days that followed, Caspian rode as far has he could away from the castle and returned at nightfall. Sometimes he took Susana with him and only went as far as one of the meadows that he and Susan had enjoyed picnicking in, and it was there that Susana took her first wobbling steps.

Other times, plagued by memories, he would ride to the forest hollow that he had first met her in. On other occasions he would return to Aslan's How and gaze that the field, torn and collapsed by the tunnels they had dug underneath to defeat his uncle's army.

He never grew weary of visiting and revisiting those places, no matter how many painful memories they brought back.

However, the more he remembered the more nightmares he began to have until he simply did not go to bed. His nights were spent in front of the hearth, wrapped in his thoughts or in the stable with his horse, polishing his armor and saddle or simply sitting and being with the animals.

Yet he was so afraid.

Afraid that he was forgetting her, afraid that someday he just might forget her altogether and fall in love again.

Afraid to trust.

One night he dozed off and instantly began dreaming that she was there in front of him, but always turning away. He called out to her and she laughed and ran farther, teasing him to come catch her. Eventually he did but when he took her in his arms and looked at her, she had no face.

He woke in a sweat, terrified and as soon as it came to be a decent hour he sought out Doctor Cornelius.

"How would one...take measures," he asked haltingly, "To improve their memory?"

The old doctor looked at him queerly. "Improve? My dear king, you are certainly too young to be concerned about your memory. I do not understand what you are worried about."

Caspian leaned one hand on the doctor's desk. "I don't want to forget her," he said in a barely audible voice. "I can't. I _won't._"

Understanding, sadness crossed the doctor's face. "Ah, Sire, we shall never forget our dear queen."

"What can I do?" Caspian asked to no one in particular. "I never should have let her stay. She would have been better off leaving with the rest of them, she would still be alive!"

Silence.

Then regretting his outburst, he shook his head. "I am sorry. I did not mean to bother you."

"My dear boy," the doctor said, as if he were the teacher again and Caspian his student, "Mourning is alright for a while. But there comes a time when we need to let go of the past and look to the future. Spend more time here rather than going off on your rides all day, watch your daughter grow, be a king again. Narnia needs you even in peaceful times."

Mutely, Caspian nodded and left the room.

He went to the nursery and found Susana playing with Rachelle.

Picking up his daughter and tickling her a little, he turned to the maid. "You can be relieved for the day," he told her. "I think I can manage a one-year old fine." Then he winced at how sharp his words sounded. "I mean...you deserve a break. Thank you."

Rachelle smiled and dropped a curtsy and was gone.

"Dada," Susana said in her soft baby's voice and reached up to touch his face.

Surprised, Caspian smiled at how good that sounded. "Yes," he said, "Dada. Can you say horsie?"

She giggled. "Ho-see."

Her blue eyes sparkled and Caspian knew that when she was older she would look much like Susan.

Caspian set her down and right away she ran to what seemed to be her favorite toy - a beautifully carved wooden rocking horse.

"Ride! Ride!" she squeaked excitedly and climbed into the saddle.

Smiling, the king made the horse rock by resting one of his feet on a rocker and raising and lowering it. Susana laughed aloud in delight.

For hours, they played with the various toys scattered about the room and when the little girl grew tired, Caspian read a children's book of Narnian history to her until she nodded off to sleep - whether bored by his reading or simply exhausted, he was not sure.

So he carried her to his quarters and settled her gently in her cradle with a final kiss goodnight.

Hoping that maybe he too would find sleep, he burrowed under his blankets. And sleep he did.

Until he was jerked out of his sleep, chased by an invisible enemy that roared from a deep black void.

He shook his head at himself, disgusted. When would he finally start living again? He longed for the days before he had become king, those carefree simple days and the peaceful nights. Where were they? Had they vanished altogether, never to be seen again?

If only Susan were here, surely then everything could be alright. He closed his eyes sadly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia.**

_A/N: M'kay, so I know this chapter strays some from the book - according to the timeline on wikipedia, it's 3 years between the time Caspian becomes king and VDT, but I'm making it 5 years because I don't feel right about making them get married too young. x) _

_________________________________________________

_In all his delight, it did not occur to him until later that she was too young to be married, much less himself. _

_"So I'll wait," she told him laughingly. "That won't be a problem."_

_"Time passes slowly," he said. "Will you still love me?"_

_"Of course."_

_In the end they decided to wait five years. Five so that when the time came, he would be 21 and she would be 20 - appropriate ages, the both agreed. Long enough so they could still break it off but short enough so they would not grow weary of waiting._

_Of course, she would not have been able to return to her world had she wished to. Caspian always felt a twinge of guilt when he thought about how in a way she was stuck here in Narnia._

_"Trust me, Caspian," she had said when he confided in her. "I'd rather be here with you than anywhere. Really."_

__________________________________________________

"Really?" he murmured.

"Yes, Sire. As I was saying, my daughter should have no right to choose who she marries. She is young and naive. She should obey me."

Caspian blinked and jerked himself to the present. Before him stood a man, one of the Telmarines who had chosen to remain in Narnia those years ago.

The man had come to him in a flurry, demanding that Caspian order his daughter to marry the man her father had chosen.

"I do not believe there is a law that states such a thing," Caspian told the man, inwardly horrified at the thought of anyone forced into this.

The man muttered under his breath and shook his head. "If only your uncle were in power..."

Caspian stiffened. "Excuse me sir, but under my uncle's rule, Narnia was in shambles. He did not care for any but himself. Under _my _rule, I say your daughter is free to do as she wishes. And I will thank you not to mention his name or this matter again."

Too stunned to argue, the man bowed hesitantly and left.

The king breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back in his chair. He preferred to only place himself above everyone else on the throne for special occasions, such as trials or feasts. All other visitors were escorted to his study where he could speak with them more face to face.

_______________________________________________

_"I wasn't ready," he had told her. "I am still not ready. Many of my subjects still remember me as a small boy - they will laugh when they try to think of me as their king."_

_She had not smiled, but rather a faraway look came to her eyes. "I think that was how we felt," she said, "Peter and Ed and Lucy and I. We were kids. Now we're kids again." Then she laughed. "It's so odd - we were grown-ups once. We were kings and queens."_

_He couldn't resist her smile. "But your reign was wonderful. They called it the Golden Age."_

_"Naturally. Aslan was right. He always is."_

_"So I should just trust him that I won't do something terrible?"_

_"Oh, Caspian," she had sighed. "Don't doubt yourself. You make a fine king."_

_And he believed her, for that was really all he could do. _

________________________________________________

The detailed and carefully inscribed figures of the treasury account began to swirl and dance before Caspian's weary eyes.

Currency was not used by many creatures other than humans, as the furred beings could survive off the land rather than needing to buy what they needed to live.

It was so much simpler if you had fur. Caspian almost wished he were a squirrel, or even a mouse.

A sharp rap came at the door and Caspian looked up gladly. "Come in," he called.

The door opened and Reepicheep entered, followed by Doctor Cornelius.

"Ah," Caspian said, noting the determined expressions on their faces, "Please, sit down."

The doctor did and and Reepicheep scurried up onto the king's desk where he could be seen and heard more easily.

"Sire," the Mouse began, "We have uncovered some vital information concerning the past well-being of Narnia."

Caspian blinked. "Past? Meaning that whatever it is will not affect Narnia now?"

"It could be possible," the doctor said. "Caspian, do you remember the seven Lords of Narnia?"

A thrill ran down the king's spine as the words of the old doctor stirred a memory. "Yes...my uncle banished them long ago."

Reepicheep leaned in closer. "We think we know where they are, Sire."

Cautiously, Caspian looked from one to the other. "Tell me more about these Lords," he said.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia**

_A/N: First off - I am sorry sorry sorry for taking so long with this chapter. Dx Life has been so busy lately, I just kept on putting it off until it was so far gone...haha. So, here it is. Finally! (and sorry for how short it is) D=_

___________________________________________

Questions, always questions and always far too many to think about at once.

"How many sailors do you plan on taking, Sire?"

"Sire, have you chosen a ship yet?"

"How long are you planning for this voyage to continue, my liege? I need to make an estimate of how much provisions to bring along."

In the end, Caspian announced that he would be in his quarters resting, and under no circumstances other than invasion was he to be disturbed. After sitting down and taking a few breaths to calm his rattled nerves, he settled Susana on his lap and picked up a fresh piece of paper and his pen.

"Go ship," Susana said quietly. "Daddy go bye-bye."

Caspian looked down at her silky hair and then set her up on the table so he could see her face. Her troubled expression took him aback and something inside him crumbled. She would grow so much while he was gone, he would miss some of the best parts of her life.

"Yes," he said. Then an idea sparked in him. "Susana, would you like to go on the ship with Daddy?"

The little girl's face lit up as she nodded excitedly. "Go ship! S'ana go ship!"

Relieved, Caspian grinned back and put her once more on his lap. "Good," he nodded, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "Now, let's figure this out."

It took him the better part of two hours, but in the end he had every vector of the journey written out. Along with Reepicheep he would have a small crew, no more than twenty men but certainly enough to man a schooner. They would sail to each of the seven Lone Islands in search of the lost lords and upon learning of the conditions of each, they would return home.

And the ship? Caspian mentally ran through his fleet, remembering each vessel as if remembering old friends.

Then he knew which one he would take, and wrote the name at the top of the page with a flourish.

The _Dawn Treader._

It was a name that would make other men walk away whistling.

_________________________________________

"Rain. Why does it always have to be rain?" Caspian muttered to no one in particular.

Just because in the stories explorers always had to battle fierce winds and ugly storms did not mean that he had to as well. At least there was no lightning...yet.

"Everything is in order, Sire. We are ready to set off."

Caspian looked down at the little mouse who was, like everyone else, sopping wet. The king adjusted the hood of his cloak and was glad that Susana was already on board, safe and snug in his cabin. He nodded at the mouse.

"Good. We'd best be off then, before this weather gets worse and forces us to stay."

Once on the deck with the crew casting off, Caspian turned and gazed back at Narnia - his country. It could be months, even years if something terrible happened, before he would see it again. Of course, there would be the islands that they were traveling to but nothing was quite the same as seeing Narnia's mainland.

Luckily the rain stopped after only a day and Susana's skin took on a healthy gleam and golden streaks appeared in her dark hair from being in the sun all day. The sunsets were truly something to behold, more beautiful than any Caspian had ever seen. Everyday the sea held new wonders for them, whether it was colorful schools of fish or the way the sunlight reflected off of the bottom.

Yet somehow, with all this delight and wonder about him, Caspian felt constantly...guilty, he realized, was the only way to describe it. She should be here with him, to enjoy it all. Or rather, she should be at home in England, experiencing happiness of her own. If only he had not let her stay, then everything would have been fine. Parting would have been difficult, but in the long run it would have been much better.

Caspian sighed and tried to ignore the ache in his stomach. He could wish all he wanted - he could not change the past.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: I'm trying hard to do better at t his posting new chapters quicker thing. x) Sorry again for taking so long on the last one everyone! Thanks for the reviews as well, you guys are awesome. =)_

_____________________________________________

_"Caspian..."_

He blinked drowsily and made a half-hearted effort to sit up in his bed.

_"Caspian!"_

There it was again, only this time more urgent. He swung his legs out of bed and, pulling on his boots, went to the door.

"Yes? Who is it?"

The door opened and Susan stood before him. "It's me," she said, giving him a cheeky smile. "Can't even recognize your own wife, sleepyhead?"

He smiled back at her. "Of course...but what are you doing up so late?"

"Oh, nothing really," she said absently. "Just...thinking. The moon is beautiful tonight though and the stars are really quite something; I thought you might want to see them."

And he smiled again, because even if it was the middle of the night and he was shivering because all he was wearing was a thin shirt and some old trousers, he was happy to see her and more than anything he wanted to go look at the stars with her.

So he did.

They sat close together, his arm around her shoulders, gazing up at the night sky from the deck of the ship. For hours they pointed out constellations and when they could recognize no more, discovered their own and gave them names.

It was all so perfect and Caspian wished that this moment would never end.

______________________________________________________

Then he woke up.

For a moment he lay in his bed and smiled until he remembered that this was a ship and in order for the ship to sail there was work to be done and Susana needed to be woken and fed and he wanted to tell Susan a name he had thought up for that one group of stars they had not been able to name and...

It had all been a dream.

A _dream_.

"No," Caspian sobbed aloud, now in anguish. It had been so real, so perfect. It was so cruel that now he had to wake and find it had all been a lie, and would always be just a false hope.

She wasn't here.

She wasn't in England.

She wasn't coming back.

Ever.

She was _dead._

And it was all his fault.

Then he lost all control and fell back on his bed, sobs wracking his body. It was so cruel that he had to be led on like that, thinking everything was fine again only to wake up and find it all just a dream, a vapor in the wind.

He could not tell how much time passed but when he finally calmed himself enough to function like a normal human being, the light filtering through the small window in his cabin was that of late morning. Suddenly it all came back to him that he was the king, the leader of this quest and that he had a job to do.

Whatever part of him that had begun to heal was now torn open, like a scab ripped away from a scrape on your knee and it was with a heavy heart that Caspian began to dress. Perhaps the crew noticed his red-rimmed eyes, his pale face and his sagging shoulders, for the glances they cast his way were seldom and fully of sympathy.

Shortly after the midday meal Caspian stood at the side of the ship, gazing with sightless eyes over the sea, lost in his thoughts. His memories took him far away, back in time to happier days when all seemed perfect.

"Sire!"

A voice at his side jolted him back into reality. It was Reepicheep, the bold little Mouse perched on the rail of the ship, frantically pointing at something out in the water. "Sire, over there! Look!"

Caspian looked and was promptly surprised when he made out the shape of three human heads bobbing on the surface, maybe a hundred meters from the ship. The leader in him pushed damp thoughts aside and he turned to the crew.

But they were already moving, turning the ship towards the people out in the water and tossing them lines and pulling them up on the deck until he saw that, under the dripping clothes and hair, two of the people were none other than Lucy and Edmund Pevensie.

"What?...how...?" He stammered as the new arrivals expressed their surprise and delight at finding themselves in Narnia again and how glad they were to see him.

Well, all except the third - a boy who looked to be around Lucy's age and kept on complaining how cold he was and how dreadful all this was.

"Who's this?" Caspian managed to ask when the other two seemed to be calming down somewhat.

"Oh," Edmund said absently, "That's Eustace. Our cousin. See, Lucy and I were staying at his house while our parents take Susan to America and Peter is still in school."

Caspian gave him a confused look.

"But never mind that," Edmund said, "What matters is that we're here."

"Oh, Caspian, it _is_ so good to see you again!" Lucy cried and gave him a hug. After a moment she pulled away and took a step back, but the smile on her face did not grow dim. "Is Susan here?" she asked, glancing around the deck.

Then everything that had happened over the past day came back to Caspian and his face fell. He looked at Edmund and when the other boy saw his expression, his own face grew grim.

"You'd better come inside my cabin and get some dry clothes," he said quietly. "We have a lot to talk about."


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Happy holidays everyone! =D_

________________________________________________

He could not count the times he had wished that she would have gone back to England with her sisters, that he had been there with her when Susana was born, that he could have done something, _anything_ to change how it had all turned out. He cursed himself for being so mule-headed, so blinded by love that he could not see that the road unfolding before them was wrong, all wrong.

And it was all his fault.

Shutting his eyes, he wished he could shake away the memory of Edmund and Lucy's looks when they realized what he was trying to say. Ed had got it first naturally, being older and more understanding of such things.

_Caspian's voice cracked, unable to remain strong as he revisited painful memories. "She...well, it...it was too much for her."_

_Edmund's intense gaze darkened and a shadow flickered then came to rest in his eyes. His mouth quivered, moving as if he wanted to speak but was afraid to, for fear he would burst out in tears._

_Lucy looked suitably distressed, but confused. "So she's back at Cair Paravel? Resting? That's why she's not here?" Then she noticed the silent tears that began to trickle down her brother's cheeks without him seeming to care. Her pleading eyes looked to Caspian. "She's alright, isn't she?" she asked desperately. _

_Some of the king in Caspian reminded him that it was his job to be strong, to protect others who needed protecting, comfort those who needed comforting. He had had plenty of time to mourn. Now was their time and he needed to help them. _

_He laid a hand on the girl's shoulder, bracing himself against their sorrow. _

_"Susan's dead, Lu," Edmund said brokenly, beating Caspian to it. Then his smouldering eyes turned to Caspian, flickering in anger. "It's your fault!" he said in half a shout, half a wail. "If you hadn't kept her here she would be alive!"_

_"Edmund!" Lucy cried. "Apologize! Aslan would have forced her to leave if he had known what would happen - there is no one to blame!" _

_The other boy stood from his chair and made to leave through the door. Before turning the latch to let himself out though, he turned and glared at Caspian. _

_"Peter was wrong about you," he said in a low, dark voice, "You're nothing but a dirty Telmarine."_

_"Edmund!" Lucy cried again, horrified. But her brother was gone, slamming the door behind him. She looked at Caspian. "I'm sorry," she said, "Ed..." Her pretty face crumpled as she began to cry._

_So he took her in his arms, pulling her close to him and holding her as she wept as he had done before for Susan on those nights that her homesickness would get the better of her. _

_And there was only pain._

______________________________________________________

The next morning, with tired red eyes and a drawn face, Edmund found Caspian where he was sitting on the ship's deck.

The younger boy settled himself quietly next to Caspian, fidgeting with his hands until he finally spoke.

"Look," Edmund said, "I'm sorry about...about what I said. I didn't mean it. You're a great king. I was just...upset."

Caspian looked at him, but Ed was looking down with hard eyes, not turning or daring to look elsewhere save his two hands, clasping and unclasping themselves. The king shifted so he could sit closer to his friend and put an arm around his shoulders. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry it had to be this way. You don't know how many times I've wished she had gone back to England with you..."

"Really?" That seemed to get his attention and he looked at Caspian. "You loved her. Why would you not want her to be here with you?"

Caspian frowned for a moment. "When you love someone," he said finally, "You want them to be happy and safe, with or without you. You can't think only of yourself."

Edmund gave him a long look, but nodded. "Then I'm glad she was here with you, for a while at least. Even if she had known she was going to die, she would have wanted it to be this way."

Maybe he had only said it to be nice, to put Caspian's troubled mind at ease, but whatever it was for, it worked. Caspian nodded, believing him just as he had trusted everything his mother had said when he was a child.

___________________________________________________

Lucy's heart was like a stone in the middle of a rushing river, sitting quietly and stubbornly while the water crashed and raged all around. She went out on the deck, explored the whole of the ship but she did it with sightless eyes, with skin that had long before gone numb.

Hours passed, but she knew nothing of time. Darkness came and went, the moon giving the ship an almost eerie glow before giving way to the bright sun of midday.

Narnia was not the same, she realized. It could never be the same now. The only way it would have been like old times is if all four of them were alive and well - even if they were not all here.

Finally she returned to the Caspian's cabin - he was letting her stay there while he slept in a hammock with the boys - and slept.

And had a dream.

In that dream she was at the lamppost, years ago in the snow with her siblings having a snowball fight, of all things. But in her dream, something was different. Aslan appeared.

All four Pevensies bowed before him and he breathed on them. Then Susan stood and moved closer to the Lion.

"It's all right," she said to her confused brothers and sister. "It's not what I expected...but it's alright. You'll see someday too."

Then Lucy woke and saw Edmund opening the cabin door. She was silent as he came to sit on the bed beside her.

"I saw her too," he told her. "I guess it is okay. She's with Aslan."


End file.
